04.

fuuuuck.

ate. alot. fuck.
like, does self-control just not give a damn about me? fuck you, self control.

fuck it. i'm throwing it up. i can't have that disgusting vile sitting in my stomach.

sorry for the language.

03.

it's 11am. all i've had so far is water. i like to not eat before noon.

i called into work today, too. there's something about working on a sunny day that i hate.


today, is a good day


.

02.

so far.

egg whites w/ cheese & chile peppers: 100
2 clementines: 40
1/2 cup whole wheat pasta w/ cheese & chile peppers: 200

4 cups of water.

total: 340.

:) success.

01.

today - 1/2 grapefruit, 1 glass water- i can't even eat. it's like my body won't let me. but that makes me happy.

however, it's only 10:30. my stomach will start growling soon, yelling at me to eat. i don't listen though. it's like i've become deaf to the cries.

i should probably explain my story. it's simple? idk.

it started last year, last summer. i had just started dating my current boyfriend, even though he had just got out of a long distance relationship. it was a little weird after first, but eventually it turned into something amazing. however, the thought of her always, and i mean always crossed my mind. would he go back to her, given the chance? was i good enough? pretty enough? skinny enough? i'll take d, for all of the above.

the great summer soon turned into the fall. funny isn't it. fall. it has so many meanings other than the changing of the leaves, the reminder that winter is just around the corner. fall. everything in fall literally fell apart. after one of my girlfriends messaged his ex (who shall remain nameless, she deserves no name) telling her to back off (she had been calling/texting non-stop) i had found a message for me. from her. when i opened it- i was shocked. i couldn't breathe. i couldn't move. i just sat there, stunned. this.. girl was sitting there telling me that the person i was falling in love with hadn't been so honest with me. to make matter worse, i was already having problems with trust. but that was the final straw. i don't put up with lying, and people who aren't honest. well, i didn't.
anyway, you are probably wondering what this has to do with everything, but i swear, i'm getting to it. so after i found out the truth about everything, and R and i tried (and are still trying, so much time later. love, huh?) to make it work. so far.. well. anyway, after a couple months of finding out, i realized i was..am..still completely and utterly obsessed. i still wonder if i'm good enough, prettier enough, better enough than this girl. and the answer: no. enter the start of a rapid downfall. suddenly, the thoughts of her consumed any other thoughts. including eating. i felt like if i looked better, i would feel better, that i AM better than her.

i'm still trying- one year later.
i don't want to, trust me, i don't. and ever since that girl came into our lives.. nothing has been the same in my life. now i feel like i will never be good enough for anyone. anyone.

that's it. sorry i rambled, but it felt damn good to release it. i haven't talked to my friends about it, they don't understand. any of them.

that's all for now. i think i need some sleep. i woke up to early and now i'm tired again. life, eh?
if any of you are still reading this ridiculously long post, thanks. :) i appreciate it.
stay thin, my beautiful lovelies. <3

V.

it's okay.. i like the way it hurts.

so far today has been okay. minus my little baba ganoush (sp? idc) slip up. but to be fair i dipped whole wheat pita's in it. other than that i have had:

5 or 6 clementines.
1 glass of low-cal cranberry juice.
1/4 cup egg whites.

not bad. tomorrow will be better though, i can feel it.

this is my suggested diet plan:

breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit and/or apple.
lunch: 1/4 cup egg whites with pepper and chile peppers (spicy food is great for the metabolism!) with 1 clementine.
supper: 1/2 grapefruit.

10 ice cold glasses of water a day (ice water is also great for metabolism) and exercise, exercise, exercise.

tomorrow is the annual fair. it's going to be soo hard, but i have the willpower. my boyfriend and i are going to watch the smash up derby.

oh. i guess i should tell you why i am doing this (other than the obvious of wanting to be thin). recently my grandmother has said that i am gaining weight. myself, of course, noticing this way before she told me decided that was the last straw. i am going up to visit her on august 5th. very soon. so i am going to lose 10 pounds before than.
wish me luck.

"if you believe it, you can do it"

V.